


Ghosts of Fears

by still_lycoris



Category: X-Men: Apocalypse (2016) - Fandom
Genre: Angst, M/M, Nightmares, Psychological Trauma, Remix
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-18
Updated: 2017-09-18
Packaged: 2018-12-22 03:53:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,567
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11959158
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/still_lycoris/pseuds/still_lycoris
Summary: Erik has always had terrible nightmares. Perhaps even Charles isn't enough to save him from them now.





	Ghosts of Fears

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Fullmetalcarer](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Fullmetalcarer/gifts).
  * Inspired by [Diamond Dust](https://archiveofourown.org/works/10352220) by [Fullmetalcarer](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Fullmetalcarer/pseuds/Fullmetalcarer). 



Erik dreams.

He has always dreamed. He’s often found solace in his dreams. When he was at Shaw’s mercy, he could hide in his dreams; dreams where Shaw was dead and gone and where the world was beautiful and safe. Dreams where he had control over the powers that he had, where nothing bad happened to him. Where his mother and father were still alive. 

Shaw could get at him all the time when he was awake, Shaw could pick at him and test him and experiment on him but he could never get at Erik when Erik was buried in the bliss of his own mind.

Even once he had escaped from Shaw, dreams had been a release of a sort. Somewhere to hide as he had struggled and fought. Sometimes, those dreams were the delights that he’d enjoyed but sometimes, they betrayed him. Bleak, black dreams of death and loss that suffocated him.

He told himself that once Shaw was dead, those dreams would stop. That everything would be perfect again once Shaw was dead.

Of course, it didn’t happen that way. Perhaps because of Charles. Charles was confusing, someone who stimulated the better dreams and made nightmares more complicated at the same time. Someone that Erik could have kept by his side, spent the rest of his life with ... if Charles wasn’t so hopeless and stubborn and things hadn’t somehow gone so badly wrong.

He had another dream now though. And despite Charles’s stubbornness, when he had fixed the world, he knew Charles would come on board with him. Would understand.

It didn’t quite work that way.

When he was locked up and alone, only catching glimpses of others that never spoke, he found that dreams were even more preferable to real life than they had been before. He would luxuriate in them, enjoy them, even try to control them – with sporadic success at first but by the end of the time there, he had become rather good at that. Whenever they started to turn to nightmares, he would twist them back, grab at the people he loved and bring them into his mind to wander with him through the incredible places that he had walked through, yet never appreciated when he had had the chance. He explored with Mystique, with Charles and everyone was been happy. The world had been as it should be – when he dreamed it.

After Charles had freed him, the ability had faded. Perhaps because he was in the real world again and there were so many distractions. He had forgotten how _loud_ the world was. How many people there were. How noisy people were when they talked, even when they moved close to you. Sleeping became hard, let alone dreaming when he _was_ asleep.

And then he met Magda and there was no need for dreams. And then they had Nina and there was _no time_ for dreams. Actually, Erik thought of it as life being the dream in a way, a happy dream that he had never expected, never really looked for but now that he had it ...

And then the dreams became nightmares again. And there was no waking up from real life. Everything was gone, broken apart to shards and he had nothing and it was all his fault. He could have saved them. _Should_ have saved them. He should have killed the men instantly. Should have made them run earlier. Should never have let Nina be born. Should never have fallen in love with Magda. Should have died himself. 

The thoughts seemed inescapable. En Sabah Nur had dulled them for a time with his power and purpose but they had still been there. What had destroying the world mattered when Erik had nothing left but battered, broken things?

Mystique had told him different. So had Charles. He could almost believe them, almost trust to it because the force of their dreams was louder. Better. He remembered all of Charles’s dreams from before. Remembered his own.

So he saved his friends and Charles’s children. But his nightmares hadn’t gone away. They stayed there, bothering him, haunting him. For a while, at the rebuilt mansion, Charles had been able to soothe them ... but they had been there all the same. Hidden under the smoothness that Charles provided. Comforted but not banished. 

“It isn’t wrong to deal with pain without punishment,” Charles said once. He reached out to take Erik’s hand but Erik had snatched it back. He wasn’t allowed that from Charles, not any more. That was _before_ , when he had thought things would change. He cannot take Charles’s hand that way, not any more.

However much he wants to.

So he leaves the school. He travels. Until, inevitably, something goes wrong and he is injured.

And now, the dreams are back in force. And he can’t get away from them.

He doesn’t deserve to get away from them.

Sometimes, they trick him. They start good ... more than good, beautiful. His family – his _families_ – around him, happy, celebrating something. He was with them, always with them, feeling comfortable, relaxed. Nina on his lap, Magda with her arms around his neck, Mother close by smiling at him proudly, Charles and Mystique laughing and smiling, everything well, everything content. He feels happy – and even in the dream, he knows that that is dangerous.

It always ends in fire and blood.

It’s his own fault. It must be. He is the bad luck charm. The crow perched on the gate, the man who broke the mirror, the empty bucket by the door. He ought to be away from everyone. Maybe they had been right to lock him away from everything.

Foolish thoughts. Self-pitying. And yet they are not so easily shaken off. They lurk and hover, sometimes even when he’s awake and he doesn’t know what the best thing is to do.

And now he’s lost in them and he doesn’t know how to get out at all.

He hurts. A little part of him knows that the pain is from the outside, the heat too. Something has gone wrong and perhaps he’s going to die.

If you die while dreaming, are you trapped in the dream forever?

He dreams he is with Mystique. They’re trying to break into a building. Erik isn’t quite sure why but he thinks there is something important inside it. Something that if he can only reach, everything will be all right. But he can’t get in and Mystique is getting impatient with him.

“You’re a disappointment,” she said and then, coldly. “You let me down.”

“No,” he says but the words are weak. He _did_ let her down. He did not build the world that he promised they would. He did not protect her friends. He did not protect her. He failed them all, one by one. They had gone to Trask to die and he had been locked away, helpless, useless, worthless.

_Erik, no. Erik ..._

Charles’s voice. But Charles isn’t there. Part of the nightmare? Will Charles turn on him now too?

 _Erik, it’s all right. You’re safe now_.

Charles’s voice is soft. Soothing. Mystique suddenly doesn’t seem so angry with him. She’s still there but warmer. The door is gone and things are soft, gentle. Charles has made it better ...

He drifts for a while. At times, he is almost awake but it is hard and he can’t get to grips with it. He thinks that he can still hear Charles but that’s foolish. Charles is a dream ... a good dream but just a dream. He has always been a good dream to Erik, filled with his own hope. But that’s all he is now.

He’s in his house in Poland. For a moment, it’s all right, Magda and Nina will be there and they’re fine, Magda will jump on his shoulders as she always does and they will go outside and find Nina and everything will be well ...

She does not jump so Erik walks outside. It is beautiful out there. When Magda first bought him here, it gave him such hope. Such joy. How could anything bad happen out here, in this little green paradise? He had believed ...

He doesn’t want to think of it. He doesn’t want to know. But his feet keep moving him along, pulling him deeper into the woods. Maybe it will be all right this time. Maybe everything will be fine ...

But it isn’t. Blood and fire and despair. That’s all there is, all there ever can be. He is burning and he’s _glad_ to burn, he doesn’t want this any more ...

_Come back, Erik, come back to me. You're not burning, you're feverish, you have a temperature. Can you feel the cool water? Can you feel it washing over your skin? Cooling you, cleansing you, healing you. Come back to me, please._

_Charles? Charles? Where are you? I can't see you._

_I'm right here. Take my hand and come with me._

And Charles is there. Charles is standing there, solid, real. His hand is held out. It is right there and it looks _real_ and safe and it’s Charles. Charles has come to find him.

It isn’t all right. It will never be quite all right.

But he is not alone when Charles is there.

And the nightmares are so much less.

Erik takes the hand and follows Charles back into the light.


End file.
